Child hatred is so common we never notice it

Children dancing, International Peace Day 2009...

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It is not that some parents do not know how to love, there is actually an undercurrent of child hate and prejudice in our culture. Looking back at the history of children it is not hard to pick up the threads. Children have been battered, sexually molested and abused horribly in the past. The prejudice and hatred is so widespread I find it curious that we have no word for child hater. We have one for woman hater.

Here is an interesting critique of one of the leading parenting magazines:

When a Child-Hater Writes a Parenting Article

It warmed my heart yesterday to see all the wonderful feedback I got on Ten Ways To Confuse a Child. I am often upset by the hypocrisy and the double standards inflicted by adults on kids. But yesterday was a good day. A lot of people agreed with me. That made me feel good about the world.

And then my sister-in-law sent me this article, republished from this month’s issue of Parents magazine, called 25 Manners Every Kid Should Know By Age 9. Brace yourselves. I have picked out some of the “manners” that were confusing or otherwise bothered me. And here they are, with my responses:

Manner #3 Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.
What makes an emergency? How does a child know when grown-ups are “finished” talking? Will it be like listening for microwave popcorn to be done, 1-2 seconds between responses? And why don’t children deserve this same courtesy? Adults have no problem interrupting children.

Manner #5 When you have any doubt about doing something, ask permission first. It can save you from many hours of grief later.
I guess this might be good advice for the child whose parents gives him “hours of grief” about things he has done without permission. I wouldn’t really call this one a manner though. Also, remember, it is usually easier to ask forgiveness than permission. Hours of grief may be a price worth paying if it means the child has already gotten to do what he wants.

Manner #6 The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
This is a joke, right? Never complain to adults? How about this one: don’t talk to anyone who isn’t interested enough in you to care about your dislikes. If anything, adults should take their own advice here, and stop complaining about kids so much.

Manner #7 Do not comment on other people’s physical characteristics unless, of course, it’s to compliment them, which is always welcome.
Wow, great rule. So as long as it’s a compliment, it’s ok? Is it always welcome to tell a woman she has nice breasts? And I can’t even count the number of times I have heard adults openly insult a child’s physical appearance, laughing at the way the his hair looks, or how his ears or his belly stick out, or anything else. Adults, please check yourselves on this one first.

Manner #13 Never use foul language in front of adults. Grown-ups already know all those words, and they find them boring and unpleasant.
Another joke, I’m assuming. If grown-ups find these words so boring and unpleasant, then why do they say them so much? Hey grown-ups, maybe don’t use foul language in front of kids if you don’t like it??

Continue reading here: http://demandeuphoria.blogspot.com/2011/05/when-child-hater-writes-parenting.html

There is definitely a double standard when it comes to people interacting with children. Not only are some people free with their hands, but they are also entirely too free with their mouths. At some level, maybe adults fear children because they cannot relate to them and we see from reading comments to this thread that many parents fear losing their authority unless they act aggressively towards their children at all times. Some parents think they must never let the facade drop.

Parents must learn at a deep level the importance of respecting their children even though children are lacking in all the refinements and knowledge of adults. Hey, they just arrived on the planet, cut them some slack! I suppose we have progressed somewhat. At least we no longer bury children alive in the foundations of our buildings for good luck.

Use them as soldiers? OK. Use them for sexual gratification? OK. Use them as slave labor? OK.

I think humans have a very long way to go before we can say we do more than pay lip service to the rights of our children.

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Preparing children for death

Frontispiece to an 1853 edition of The Fairchi...
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We think kids are mistreated by parents now, and they are, but it is encouraging to look back and see that we have made some progress. Little did I realize, until I started digging into the history and philosophy of childhood, just how bad it was for kids in the past. Feeding children superstition and dogma must end, imagine telling scary tales to children as a form of discipline. Again we note the ever present influence of clergy. Most people are probably not aware of the role of clergy, beyond the obvious admonitions they made to whip children.

My grandmother was born during the waning days of the Victorian period, and she of course directly influenced my mother who was born in 1917. However, my mother never told me frightening tales as punishment. All children seem to love to listen to stories and I was no different. Perhaps it is because even very young children recognize that this is quality time. Just you and a beloved parent and they are focused perhaps for the first time in the day when they sit down on your bedside, open a book and begin to read. If they are good at this, they also supply appropriate sound effects and voice characterizations as good as any actor on the big screen.

I was treated to many fairy tales, but I don’t recall being especially frightened by Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Jack in the Bean Stalk, or Little Red Riding Hood. Perhaps some of our readers can comment on their childhood memories.

Alexander Bain is an interesting historical figure in the pantheon of humanists. We should celebrate his birthday and revive his memory. Perhaps hold an international day of protest against forcing faith on children and pick his birthday for holding the event.

Pass Grade in Passing On by Jacob Middleton examines how the Victorians’ obsession with death extended to terrifying their children in order to prepare them for the grave.

May 2007, Fortean Times

In 1880, the philosopher Alex­ander Bain complained about the way in which Victorian society discip­lined its children. While he saw many meth­ods as ineffect­ual, he reserved his great­est hostil­ity to what he dubbed “spiritual, ghostly, or super­natural terrors”. 1 Bain was a rationalist, heavily influenced by the utilitarian philo­sophers of the early 19th century, and his hostil­ity towards what he regarded as super­stition is therefore hardly surprising. What disturbed him most, however, was not the nature of this means of disciplin­ing children, but its ubiquity; in a society that wished to regard itself as rational and modern, most children were frightened into quiescence by the threat of supernatural terrors.

The period in which Bain was writing was one in which corporal punishment of children at school and home was habitual and the treatment to which many children was subjected was considered, even then, to be cruel and demeaning. Moreover, super­natural retrib­ution had long been considered an accept­able means of disciplining children. In The History of the Fairchild Family, probably the most successful children’s book in Victorian Britain, death is painfully visited upon those who disobey parental authority. A child might find itself burnt to death for the sin of vanity, while illicitly consuming preserved fruit would “merely” result in a near-fatal fever. 2 Such punishments were regarded as natural consequences of disobedience, a divine retribution.

Cautionary tales, such as those in The History of the Fairchild Family, were made more believable by the ever-present threat of sudden death in an era of limited medical expertise, which was seeing the first discoveries of micro­bio­logy. Children were expected to be aware of their mortality from an early age, and there was even a literary genre devoted to teaching children how to die a ‘good death’. These works were invari­ably true stories, relating how partic­ular children met their end with appropriate Christian fortitude when struck down by disease. 3

However, while such literature was heavily promoted by the clergy, and by middle-class parents keen to give their offspring a religious upbringing, it formed only one strand in a popular culture preparing children for death. Perhaps it is surprising to the modern reader, used to stereotypes of relig­ious Victorians, to find how small a part Christianity played in their education. Although most Britons would have described themselves as Christian, it was found in 1851 that only a quarter of the population attended church. 4 Education about death, then, was provided for in other ways, often through popular literature and folk custom. From the mid-19th century, this was supplemented by Spiritualism, a movement that concerned itself with raising children with the ‘correct’ attitude to death and the afterlife. It is estimated that, by the end of the Victorian period, as many as 10,000 children were attending lyceums, the spiritualist equivalent of Sunday schools. 5 What we can be certain of is that the messages that the 19th-century child received about death and its spirit­ual implications were many and varied.

http://www.forteantimes.com/features/commentary/443/pass_grade_in_passing_on.html

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